


Believer

by swallowthewhale



Series: Lemon Dreams [24]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Unrequited Love, a mention of background cisco/cynthia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-04 21:14:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12779646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowthewhale/pseuds/swallowthewhale
Summary: It's frustrating, to suddenly see the man you've worked with for seven years, your best friend, in a whole new light. Frustrating and really, really distracting. And unfortunately, Caitlin thinks she might have to tell Cisco how she feels.





	1. Break me down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> @seasalted on tumblr requested "a short bit where Caitlin awakens to the fact that her best friend is stealth super hot and then is very embarrassed because she keeps fixing over certain of his physical traits and she is a professional, decorum in the workplace and such. Or: It's just... I've had the man I'm with become my best friend, but never before has my best friend become the man I'm with."
> 
> And I might have a part two in mind...?
> 
> Title from "Believer" by Imagine Dragons

Caitlin sits at her desk in the cortex, back perfectly straight and hands clasped together so hard her fingers are losing feeling, laser focused on her computer screen. She’d forgotten how difficult this all was. The constant pull, the daydreams, the _want_. It had never really been a problem before Ronnie, because she’d never really had friends to have crushes on. And with Ronnie, it had been easy, because he’d asked her out on a date after exactly two days of working together, and she’d said yes, and by the time the distraction started they’d been dating for a week.

Now it’s excruciating, because not only is he her friend, he’s her best friend, and also only one of six people she regularly interacts with, so there’s nowhere to hide. Caitlin had seriously considered taking some sick time, but then Cisco would _know_ something was up, and somehow that would be even worse. Iris already suspects, and that’s bad enough.

Someone snaps their fingers in front of her face and she jerks back from the desk, heart suddenly thumping in her chest.

Cisco raises an eyebrow.

“What?” she snaps, scowling.

He lifts the other eyebrow. “I’ve been calling your name for, like, five minutes,” he says patiently. “I sent you some data to look over.”

Caitlin avoids his eyes. His dark, expressive eyes which always seem to look right through her. “Okay,” she says, scooting back toward the computer.

Cisco rests a warm hand on her forehead. “You okay?”

She flinches away and ignores the hurt that crosses his face. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

The hurt is replaced with concern. “Cait?”

The nickname jabs her in the chest, fizzles down to the tips of her fingers, speeds up her heart again. “I think I’m going to go early,” she mumbles. “I’ll work on the data at home.”

Cisco leans back, brow furrowed. He crosses his arms. “Feel better, okay? Get some sleep.”

Caitlin nods, chances a glance at him, and would have blushed to the roots of her hair if the cold at her core hadn’t sucked the warmth away immediately. She’s suddenly very grateful that her face no longer gives away her reaction to the sight of his sleeves rolled up and the definition in his arms. And how much she wants- it has been too long since she’s had sex. Way too long.

She lets her hair swing forward to hide her face as she packs up her bag. “See you tomorrow,” she murmurs, and hurries out, avoiding Cisco’s worried gaze.

 

At home, Caitlin stands in the shower for ten minutes, unmoving, as she soaks in the heat. She needs to do something about her sudden feelings for Cisco. She’s used to keeping her emotions tightly in hand, but that hadn’t worked out so well in the past. Her buried anger and resentment and hidden feelings had given rise to Killer Frost, and with her powers now under better control, she’d hate to give reason for Killer Frost to make a return. So, as much as she loathes to admit it, she thinks she might actually have to tell Cisco.

On an impulse, standing in just a towel and staring at her reflection in the mirror, she sends out a group text to tell the team know she has strep throat and will be home sick for the rest of the week. It’s Thursday, so she has three full days to figure out what to say to Cisco. A flurry of responses telling her to get some rest, feel better, and don’t worry about work, come back instantly. Caitlin turns her phone to silent, dresses in her comfiest sweatpants and t-shirt, and settles into her couch to watch anything that will take her mind off Cisco and her stupid feelings.

Caitlin continues her self-imposed exile on Friday, and on Saturday, bored and a little stir-crazy, goes for a run through her neighborhood and stops by her favorite bakery for a reward. She eats her cupcake on the stoop of her building, her playlist still blaring in her ears, and for a moment she can close her eyes and pretend that all her problems are gone. Then she tucks her earbuds in her pocket, climbs the stairs to her apartment, and, hands on her hips, decides that her apartment is in desperate need of a thorough cleaning.

Iris calls as Caitlin’s scrubbing the shower.

“Hey, Caitlin,” she says, voice just short of chipper. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Caitlin says honestly.

She can almost see Iris squinting at her in mild disbelief. “You seemed okay on Thursday morning,” Iris says. “You know you don’t have to pretend to be sick just to take time off.”

Caitlin sighs and tosses the scrub pad into the bucket of water, sitting back against the wall. “I think I need to tell Cisco how I feel,” she says bluntly. “But I don’t know if it’s a good idea, or how I should do it, and so pretending to be sick is easier than telling him I need personal time, because then he’d want to know what’s wrong, and I’m not sure how long I can lie to him.”

Iris, to her credit, doesn’t skip a beat. “I think you should tell him.” Caitlin groans, and Iris laughs. “If it’s bothering you this much, telling him will make things easier for both of you. Either he feels the same way and you two can be happy, or he doesn’t and you can figure out how to make things work.”

“Okay,” Caitlin says slowly. “But I don’t know how to tell him. Or what to tell him. Or even how to bring it up.”

“Well don’t do it at Star Labs,” Iris says dryly. “The walls have ears there. Do it somewhere neutral. Just ask him if you can talk, and then just say it. Rip the bandaid off.”

“I can do that.” Caitlin rolls her head against the wall, wincing as the knots she’s accumulated from hunching over twinge.

“Caitlin,” Iris says gently. “Figure out exactly how you feel, and what you want, before you say anything to him. It’ll make things easier.”

“Thank you, Iris.”

“Call me after,” Iris says. “If you need to talk.”

 

Caitlin sits on a bench in the quietest part of the park, oblivious to the cold, as she watches Cisco walk over. He’s still too far away to make out his features, but she can tell it’s him by the way he walks. As he gets closer, she reviews what she’s going to say to him, repeating it over and over in her head so that when she actually has to say it and loses her nerve, rote memory might take over.

“Hey!” Cisco says, grinning, when he makes it to her bench. “Feeling better?”

Caitlin wrinkles her nose, waiting until he sits to say, “I wasn’t really sick, Cisco.”

He frowns momentarily, then relaxes. “I should have known your hypermetabolism wouldn’t let you get that sick.” He bumps her shoulder with his. “What’s got you so distracted then?”

Caitlin wrings her hands, starting at the skyline to avoid having to look into his sympathetic eyes.

“I have a crush,” she blurts out.

Cisco looks relieved. “Is that a bad thing?” He widens his eyes dramatically. “Is it… Ralph?” he whispers, horrified.

“What?” Caitlin physically recoils. “No! Cisco!”

He holds up his hands. “What? You’ve had questionable crushes before.”

She scowls at him.

“Then who? Is it Barry? Because, I mean, it’s understandable, but definitely awkward, cause, like, he just got married, and-”

“It’s you, Cisco,” Caitlin says very, very quickly.

He stare at her for a moment, then laughs, one short, horrible “ha. Very funny, Cait.”

Caitlin looks back at him, wide-eyed, red-cheeked, and mouth trembling.

The smile slowly slides off his face. “For real?” he whispers.

Caitlin nods, jerkily, eyes fixed on the skyline again.

“Cait, I-”

“I know,” she whispers.

“I didn’t think you could actually blush,” he jokes feebly.

She presses her hands against her cheeks. “Neither did I.”

“I’m with Cynthia,” he says quietly.

“I know,” she repeats.

“You’re my best friend, Cait, and I love you, but-”

“Don’t,” she interrupts abruptly, dropping her hands and turning to face him. “I know. The only reason I told you is so that you know why I need a little space. I didn’t want you to think I’m mad at you or anything.”

“Caitlin-” Cisco tries again, reaching his hand out, then hesitating.

“I just need some time,” Caitlin says, meeting his eyes directly for the first time, baring her heart to let him see what she can’t even admit. “I’ll be fine.” She stands, just a little unsteady, and walks away.

“You don’t have to be,” Cisco calls to her retreating back.

Caitlin pauses, head bowed, then continues home. First she’s going to eat her weight in ice cream. Then she’s going to call Iris.


	2. Build me up

Caitlin gets over her crush on Cisco, sort of. It nags, tugging at her heart when Cisco looks at her a certain way, or when he gets hurt on the job, or when he forgets he’s supposed to be giving her room and invades her space like he always used to. And hope springs up, one dreary April day, when Cisco announces that he and Cynthia broke up. Caitlin crushes it ruthlessly under the heel of her shoe, and continues on as always, letting Barry handle the best friend duties of cheering Cisco up and instead having a girls’ night with Iris and Cecile.

On Saturday, though, she shows up at Cisco’s apartment with Chinese takeout, a box of his favorite donuts, and all eight Star Wars DVDs. She even resolves to watch them in Cisco’s preferred order of bouncing around between old and new trilogy, even though anything other than chronological makes Caitlin antsy.

Cisco’s face softens as soon as he opens the door.

She hands him the bag of food before he can protest, nudging him aside to make her way to the living room. It’s not as much of a mess as she expected, which meant Barry speed-cleaned before he left in the morning. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Cisco says, leaning against the kitchen counter, the bag unopened next to him.

Caitlin glances up at him blankly from where she was arranging the DVDs on the coffee table. “Of course I do.”

Cisco ducks his head, playing with the handle of the bag. “Cait-”

She walks over to him and rests a hand over his. “Cisco, you’re my best friend. We’ve been there for each other through every death, every disaster, and every break-up. I’m not stopping now.”

He looks up at her with eyes welling with heartbreak and sympathy.

Caitlin shuts it all out. “I can handle it,” she says. “I won’t break.”

“I know,” Cisco says quietly, turning his hand to squeeze hers.

Caitlin clears her throat and pulls her hand free. “I brought donuts.”

Cisco’s face lights up. “From Bob’s?”

She smiles. “Where else?”

Cisco elects, much to Caitlin’s relief, to skip the original trilogy, and start with  _ Rogue One _ . “I’d rather watch the new ones,” he says, settling into the couch as the opening rolls across the screen.

Caitlin sits on the opposite side and they eat through the first half hour. At the end of Rogue One, they bring out the donuts, and by the end of Episode IV, Caitlin’s half asleep curled up on the arm of the couch.

Cisco’s uncharacteristically quiet. Usually he likes to quote the lines along with the movie, or recite bits of trivia that Caitlin’s heard hundreds of times but never remembers. When she glances over, he’s staring at the TV from under hooded eyes, head leaning back against the couch. He barely blinks, but looks over and catches her watching him.

They stare at each other for a moment, then Cisco smiles, pats her foot, and turns back to the TV. Caitlin watches him for another moment, wondering just how much this has screwed with his head, but decides to leave it alone. She’ll talk to Barry about it before bringing it up with Cisco.

Caitlin falls asleep at some point, and when she wakes up, they’re well into Episode VI. She half sleeps through the rest of VI and VII, and the sun rises on the closing credits of VII. She looks over her shoulder to see Cisco watching her with his chin in his hand.

“I’m exhausted,” he mumbles.

Caitlin twists, stretching her back.

He holds out a hand and pulls her upright. 

“Me too.” She tugs a hand through her hair. “I could use a shower though.”

Cisco waves in the direction of the bathroom. “It’s all yours. I’m going to put some coffee on.”

Caitlin glares at him half-heartedly.

“I know,” he says before she can say anything. “I’ll nap later, I promise.”

Caitlin takes the hottest shower that Cisco’s water tank can manage, borrows one of his towels, and redresses with a sweatshirt stolen from the hook on the back of the door. She tackles her hair with the brush she keeps in her purse, then braids it back off her face.

Cisco is leaning against the counter in the kitchen with his nose in a mug when she comes out.

“Do you want me to go?” Caitlin asks without even looking at the mug he pushes toward her.

He looks at her for a moment, the indecision playing over his face, before shaking his head. “I was going to go for a walk. Come with me?”

Caitlin follows half a step behind as Cisco wanders aimlessly through the neighborhood and to a little park. She sits on a bench and watches as he stands by the edge of the water and stares out over the pond, subtly texting Barry while she waits.

_ You should ask him, _ Barry texts back, followed immediately by,  _ They wanted different things. And the distance. _

Caitlin frowns at her phone but tucks it into her pocket.

Cisco eventually turns and walks over, sitting next to her on the bench.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Caitlin asks.

Cisco sighs. “We never talked about things. Big things. Important things. It wasn’t casual, but we never talked about the future, either.” He turns his hands, palm up, on his lap. “It turns out that I want to get married and have kids and settle down, and she doesn’t.”

“Not to mention you live in different universes,” Caitlin adds gently.

Cisco nods. “Neither of us would have wanted to leave our world forever. I don’t think we could have come up with any solution that would have made us both happy.”

“I thought I would never be happy again after Ronnie died,” Caitlin says slowly. “But I was. I am. You’ll be happy again, too.”

Caitlin’s right, of course. Even though it takes him months to feel like himself again and a whole year to be confident to try dating, he is happy. 

He dates other people, and Caitlin does, too, even though her feelings for Cisco are continually simmering just below the surface. He knows how you feel, she repeatedly tells herself, and Iris too. He’s had plenty of time to tell her if he feels the same. 

Iris always gives her the same unimpressed look when she says this. Maybe Caitlin knows that Iris is right, but the timing never seems to work out. As soon as Caitlin resolves to say something, Cisco meets someone, and just when Caitlin starts to think she can be okay with another guy, Cisco breaks it off with his girlfriend. It’s downright confusing. Iris has started to refer to them as a roller coaster. 

“I don’t like roller coasters,” she says flatly. “So get off.”

Caitlin only sort of gets the metaphor, and also has to refrain from pointing out that Barry and Iris were way worse. 

“Just tell him your feelings haven’t changed,” Iris continues, a little more gently. “That way you can at least move on.”

Caitlin’s still silent, chewing on her lower lip.

“You’re both single,” Iris points out. “No better time.”

Caitlin doesn’t necessarily agree, and hasn’t actually decided if she’s going to say anything. But when Cisco walks through her door that evening with takeout and a movie from Earth 11 that he promises she’ll love, Caitlin blurts out, “My feelings haven’t changed.”

Cisco frowns at her, then down at the bag he’s holding. “About Chinese food?” he asks. “That’s good, because I got your favorites.”

Caitlin presses her lips together and panics.

Cisco takes one look at her face and drops the food on the counter, understanding slowly dawning. “About me?” he asks.

Caitlin nods jerkily. “I just need to know,” she whispers. “One way or the other.”

Cisco takes her hand gently. “Caitlin-”

She yanks her hand away, turns on her heel, trembling. “I know. I don’t know why I thought things might have changed.”

“They haven’t,” he whispers. Then, more firmly, “My feelings for you haven’t changed in almost nine years.”

Caitlin nods, keeping her face turned away so he can’t see the tears in her eyes.

“I’ve been in love with you since I met you,” Cisco says.

Caitlin’s heart stops, she doesn’t turn around, doesn’t say anything, because she’s pretty sure she just imagined that. There’s no way.

He puts a hand on her arm and pulls. She lets him spin her around to face him. “I’ve been in love with you for almost nine years,” he repeats.

“You never said,” Caitlin says shakily.

Cisco looks down and slowly wraps his hand around hers. “I’ve lived with it so long that it’s hard to say out loud,” he admits. “And I was sure you didn’t feel the same.”

Caitlin frowns. “I told you how I feel.”

“You said you had a crush,” he says bluntly. “Crushes go away. And you’ve been seeing people.”

“So have you,” Caitlin points out.

Cisco laughs. “I guess we’re both pretty oblivious, huh?”

Caitlin turns her hand so she can lace her fingers through his. “Then let me be clear.” She meets his eyes. “I’m in love with you, Cisco. Maybe not for nine years, but long enough to know what I want. I want you.”

Cisco’s smile is blinding, and when he kisses her, it doesn’t feel like the roller coaster is coming to a stop. It feels like it’s just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished it! Sorry about the wait


End file.
